September 18, 2020

Mama Life || Feeling Brave & Choosing Happiness

Lock down came at the perfect time for me. Beforehand, I was feeling depressed, down, and totally stuck in a cycle of school runs, walking back and fourth spending just two hours at work, about the same at home in little bits of time and just generally feeling I was achieving nothing and wasting my life. I'm at a point where I need to think about the future, I want to keep learning and I want to get stuck into a career that will see me through as I'll be forty in four years and it's about time I felt more settled.

Lock down was a horrid time for most, but for me although we had our ups and at times extreme downs, it gave me a good kick up the arse, it gave me time to think and it gave me time to get my head around what I want from life. I realised what was making me unhappy in my life, what was making me feel depressed each day and what wasn't working. I discovered things I love doing, we all felt happier without the overly structured routine and I had time to get creative, rest and think. 

Fast forward to September and we were instantly thrown back into the pre lock down life and although there is a few differences, mainly involving hand washing and suffocating from masks, that familiar tightness in my chest, inability to sleep and stress kicked in from day one. I just feel so deflated and underwhelmed by every day life and although I feel grateful for everything I have, I do feel like I have a right to feel some kind of happy and everything about life right now just isn't doing that. Getting back into my daily routine has been a further confirmation that what I'm doing doesn't work, makes me unhappy and ultimately leads to depression rearing its ugly head. I want to, well need to, feel like I'm achieving something, like I have worth and that I'm actually doing something productive with my day. At the moment, it's a bit of work, a bit of work at home and a house full of jobs that I just don't have enough time in between to get stuck into and I desperately need a change.

So I have had a bit of a work plan which hasn't quite worked out, so instead of sitting in a life that brings me down, I'm going to be brave, make some changes and make a life I'm happy with. We'll have less money, but I'll be more happy, better for the family and have more time for things I need to do, so it has to be the way forward. I always think that things like this aren't mistakes, but learning curves and life takes us where we are meant to go, so it's worth jumping in and giving things a try when the alternative is juggling along feeling crap.

Choose happy!

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