March 25, 2020

Thoughts, Worries, Life Right Now.



I'm sorry to fill yet another piece of the internet with Corona virus worry, but I have to get my thoughts out and this is my place. Needless to say, like everyone else this is top of my mind at the moment and over the past couple of weeks I've felt every emotion, I constantly feel like I want to burst into tears with fear but also feel so lucky to be able to stay safe at home with my babies when so many are still having to work, send kids to school or fight this shitty virus head on in hospitals.

I have to admit that initially when it was 'something going on in China' and I didn't know much about it I wasn't worried, I felt people were being a bit silly with their fears and although I still believe we don't need to terrify our kids too deep with it all, I am myself absolutely pant shittingly petrified of what's to come and trying my best to keep positive and happy for them and although they are aware of what's going on, they are being great and I don't want them to worry more than they should.

Since the kids finished school for the foreseeable future on Friday I have to admit it's been really lovely. We had everything we needed, we're all fit and healthy and I got stuck into home schooling which I absolutely love. We've had a great week so far, done lots of work, loads of fun stuff and spent more time together than we have for ages which is pretty perfect. This afternoon though I don't know what happened but I suddenly got hit with sadness like running head first into a brick wall and I just can't shift it. I knew this feeling was coming, I'd expected it from day one to be honest so it's an unwelcome but not unexpected feeling. 

My plan for tomorrow is to actually make a plan. Today was a bit more unstructured than the previous few and I felt that was needed, but it's done me no good. As much as I think I hate routine and having things to do, I think I do need a little structure to my day to stay mentally OK, so that's what I'll be trying out tomorrow to see if I can lift this mood. We did manage to get out for a short walk today, we played with the dog and I took some flower photos which was nice, but tomorrow needs a little more focus I think and to be a bit less of a free for all, all round.

As an empath I really struggle to not absorb feelings and scrolling through social media a lot today has done me no favours, so I'm going to try and step away from that tomorrow. I'm getting scared at the possibility of losing people I love and the whole thing is freaking me out a bit, so I'm going to try and avoid the news and every other constant reminder that this is now on my doorstep and the risks are actually pretty big now. I keep thinking about the amazing key workers still mucking in, especially those that have had to move out of the family home to keep people safe while they selflessly help others. It's so amazing isn't it? I know I am very lucky to be in the situation I'm in but right now anxiety and fear have got the better of me so here I am. I'm trying super hard to think of the positives and think about gratitude but it's so hard right now.


Lots of love to you all, please stay safe!

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