Monday, February 18, 2019

Finding My Confidence

Towards the end of last year I started therapy for a few different reasons and I've been blown away by the difference it's had on me. Battling with your own worst enemy inside your head is exhausting, it ruins our lives, but it really can be helped with a lot of work and a lot of pain in the process. It's so worth it though.

Lots of good things have come from opening up to someone, telling them my deepest darkest secrets and fears and I honestly feel brand new. Well not new, but just actually myself without all the layers of bullshit blinding my way and messing with my head. I hate how my mind works normally and I really thought I was beyond repair until I was given this little ray of hope.

The last few weeks have been all about building self confidence  after working on my anxiety and this has been a huge deal for me. For most my adult life I've been down on myself, putting myself last, putting myself down and thinking I wasn't good enough for anything and I'd often think my family would be better off without me or that the world would be better without me in it, thankfully though this has all changed. I see my part in the world and in my family life, I see myself as a proper valid person now that's worthy of love and living.

Part of our sessions we had to write down all my achievements, as well as all the bad things that have happened. I've always dwelled on the negative but my amazing therapist has flipped my brain, he's made me realise that I have achieved a lot despite a lot of trauma and that all those things I put myself down for actually aren't bad at all. Here's a few examples of how I saw myself verses how I should see it with a logic mind. I was stuck in a never ending cycle of doom type mindset and I really thought that would just be me for life. With a little work, I can do this.

I've always felt that I'm weak and annoyed that I allow myself to be walked all over. However, this actually translates to me being selfless, kind and caring to others. I do also need to learn to put myself first more and practise more self care. I also need to worry less on others behalf and not take one everyone else's burdens. This has meant me feeling a bit 'selfish' in this time, but it's not at all, it's more self preservation and building myself back up without worrying what everyone will think of me in the process.

I always feel that I'm too 'weird', nobody will ever like me. Actually though, I'm me and happy being me, anyone else is a bonus and my 'weirdness' is adored by a close few and makes me who I am, allows me to be more creative and have fun in my own ways with those I care about.

A big one for me, particularly when it comes to creative work and blogging is that I think I'm not as talented as 'XYZ', so there's no point bothering. My talents are different to others yes, but equally as valid, better than some even and often different and 'quirky' which is never a bad thing. I should try anything I want to do and not be held back by the possibility of failure, regret of not trying is so much worse.

I feel that I'm worthless, pointless, that nobody loves me. I have a husband, kids and family that love me and a handful of friends that do too. As much as I put myself down like this, I actually do love being alone in my own mind, so perhaps it's not them, it's sometimes me and I think now that's OK too. I just need to be me, do what I want to and care less what people that don't matter think. I also need to learn to say no, not put myself through needless trauma and stay strong.

When describing what I would like characteristic wise from a friend, I said loyal, caring, kind, honest, funny, all these very things I put myself down for in some way. I like my friends to be quirky, reliable and supportive, just like me. This part was something that really hit home, as well as the fact that despite the things I've been through, I've still achieved so much in my life and only now I'm allowing myself to be proud of that instead of picking holes in it.

One technique I was using was to tell myself what I'd tell my daughter. So if I think 'I should have, I could have' or 'I'm not good enough', what would I tell her? I'd tell her she's amazing, she's unique, creative, funny, kind and can achieve anything she wants in life, as now I feel I can too. I just wish I'd done this ten years ago!

I still have my off days, maybe even an off week, but by going through all the things I've learnt, reminding myself when I need to stop and what to do before spiralling, I really hope I can keep this up.