It's just occurred to me this week that in a couple of months I'm going to be 35, thirty frigging five. Which although isn't 'old' it has always been a bit of a benchmark for me and so it does come with a lot of meaning, a lot of realisation and a whole heap of WTF am I doing?
My younger self always thought of 40 as old (ha), so reaching 35 means I'm edging closer to the big four-O and although it doesn't terrify me entirely, it's weird to think where I am now, where I thought I'd be and all the crazy little things I've done in my life.
I've also always said 'no more babies after 35', which is a big one for me now it's here and it's real. I know potentially I could have more, I'm not sure we will ever have any but realistically and being totally sensible about the whole thing, I don't think I can be a new mum again over the age of 35. For some women this is still a prime baby making age and although it's probably deemed geriatric officially in terms of motherhood, it's not a bad age and many women go into baby making well into their forties now, but I just couldn't do it. My main fear is that I'm really unfit, in a bit of a state actually and I don't think my body could cope with it one bit. I also feel that mentally I'm in a bit of a snappy intolerant place which would be no good for another baby. I don't think I'd honestly cope with three. So turning 35 really means a big end to this chapter, signing on the dotted line for me, hanging up my ovaries (not literally, that sounds horrendous). It's a weird, weird feeling.
I'm in a good place at the moment, a really good place and although things aren't perfect and I have a lot of work to do to get healthy physically and mentally, I do feel good and I feel peaceful with myself if that makes sense? All the self hate and drama that came with being a twenty something are fading and I'm finally feeling comfortable in my own skin (though not physically because I'm always hurting somewhere) and finding my confidence slowly but surely. I'm venturing into new things that I'm really excited about. my kids are bloody amazing and just the most funny, creative and wonderful little people I could ever have hoped for.
So rolling up to 35, I'm moving forward with a full heart, a half broken body, a healing mind and a whole new chapter which is all about me finding myself again, being confident in who I am and loving the bones off my family with lots of new adventures on the way. I'm actually a little excited now!
How old will you be this year?
