Sunday, July 10, 2016

More Babies? Don't ask.

If you're a parent already, you'll no doubt have experienced those well meaning people around you (or in fact strangers in a shop whilst your baby cries at you for the millionth time that day) asking if you're planning on having any more.

I'm guilty of asking the question myself and it's something I'll be stopping now too - it's so irritating. I can't even imagine how much worse it is when you don't have kids and people keep asking when or if!

Ask me on a good day and you may just see that flicker of possibility in my eyes, but ask me on a day that's fuelled by an hours sleep and comes complete with screaming, arguing children, chasing the cat to retrieve a lollipop that it has stuck to its arse (yep that happened), waking up to find Alfs ripped his blind down complete with wall plaster, while Soph poops up her back and you may just get a very different response.

It's probably best to just not ask.

It's not that I don't appreciate what I have or love my amazing babies, of course I do, I just feel a new baby or even just a pregnant mother thrown into the mix right now could just about push me beyond what I'm capable of.

I'm also not sure my body could hack another pregnancy. My back and pelvis are still pretty knackered from the first time and carrying another whopping few stone for the best part of a year could cause too much damage and that makes me a bit sad.

The fact is I just don't know if we will ever have any more. I'd love to one day, but I'm not sure I can. I feel like the decision is being taken away from me with every physio appointment where they can't really tell me what's going on. I look at these two and think how amazing it would be to do it all again, then immediately remember the guilt, the endless appointments, tiredness and birth (little bit painful) and wonder if it would be fair on these two anyway. But then there's the baby cuddles, the love, the tiny toes... I want the decision to be ours though and not made by my failing body and a doctor!

I don't know what the future holds for us but if we do decide to do it all again some day, I'm pretty sure it won't be any time soon. For now, we are a very happy family of four having our adventures, tears, smiles and cake. I'm a lucky tired mama.