Thursday, February 15, 2018

Mama Life || The Fear Of Loss

Since the very first day I knew I was expecting Alf, I've been terrified of losing him. I think the fear of loss plays a huge part of my anxiety and some times it seems a lot harder to cope with than others.

When Alf had his accident at one, my anxiety went into overdrive. I can seem quite a laid back Mum but inside I'm usually fretting, worrying about what could happen and letting my imagination spiral out of control. I hate being inside my head at times and wish wish wish I could switch off the over thinking, it's horrible, stressful and exhausting.

The fear of losing the kids is unreal and at the moment seems to have switched up something chronic and I'll be honest I'm really struggling with it. I think seeing less of the kids now with them being at school, as well as them being bigger and more adventurous just terrifies me. I'm not a namby pamby mother at all. I never stop the kids doing things but I do find I torture myself mentally about the worst case scenarios.

It's not just the kids now but family and in particular Adam (my husband), worrying about him driving to work and as he's been going over seas recently for work that too has stepped up something rotten. I find myself imagining something horrific, seeing yellow police coats through the fuzzy door panels and just knowing what's coming. Imagining how I'm going to tell the kids, what I'll do, how I'd keep a roof over our heads. It all sounds utterly ridiculous but it's so hard with a mind like mine to chill out and not have these thoughts.

The good thing to it all is that I recognise it's a problem, I never act on it unless I think a real potential danger is likely and I never hold anyone back. I do however have this constant battle in my mind and just knowing I would never ever cope if something happened to any of them terrifies me.

I don't know what the answer is, I don't even know why I'm writing this really but I know I'm probably not the only one that feels like this and although I can't stop my thoughts and stupid imagination, I can control it and if anything it makes me more careful, more loving and more forgiving in life as I'm constantly in fear of the 'what ifs' that haunt my mind. 

I've no idea where this fear all stems from but I know that Alf's accident played a huge role, added to that the normal parental fears of losing a child or partner and it all gets a bit much sometimes.

If you've ever felt the same I'd love to hear from you. Please do pop me an email, PM me on social media or leave a comment below.