My body and me have been on a right old adventure together (lucky that) and it's got me thinking in a much different way about myself.
I've spent a good 20 years of my life worrying about my weight, going up and down in sizes and trying every diet known to man, yes even that one. Where has all that restriction and obsessive behaviour got me? It's got me to the biggest I've ever been besides being pregnant, it's got me crap eating habits, an obsession with my scales and an overwhelming hate for my body. My own body, the one that takes me to fun places, carried and delivered by babies and despite the neglect I've shown it, it thankfully hasn't done a runner. Probably because like me, it would have to be being chased by some axe wielding maniac to break into a run.
The long and the short of it is that after obsessing, weighing, paying for slimming groups, crying, pinching flab, measuring my girth, standing on one leg on the scales while breathing in only to find I weigh the same or probably more and covering up so much in summer I nearly pass out. Wow what an achievement right?
What I've come to learn lately and I don't know if it's an age thing or some kind of giving up, but I don't care about all that stuff. If you follow me on Instagram you'll be thinking yeah right you weigh in each week and that's true, I do for now. The thing is I do need to make changes, I do need to lose weight and I do need to get healthy, but not because I need to look banging in a bikini or because I worry what people think about my looks, but because I'm broken, with a bad back, poorly hips and lungs abused by smoking and a body probably rotten to the core from all the crappy diets.
What's important is loving my body as it is now, the body that drags me on the school run after three hours sleep, the body that helps me get out doing things I love, the body that shows up every day even though I treat it like shit, constantly put it down and torture it with diets. By loving my body now, I will want to look after it, care for it and give it what it needs.
That body is here, it is what it is and I'm pretty glad it's still working so do you know what? I think it's ok.