As we prepare Soph for school in September, the stark realisation that that's it, the baby days are over is increasingly difficult to manage.
We've been so incredibly lucky to have our gorgeous babies and I wouldn't change that for the world, but I can't help but feel a little pained that our journey making babies has come to an end. I feel like if I could just done more time knowing it's my last,I could truly treasure every step and even do a better job, take more photos, enjoy it all much more etc etc etc.
Not having those baby kicks, those exciting nail biting scans or seeing a newborn face after the drama of childbirth or hearing those cries ever ever again is really hard and it's something I'm struggling to come to terms with.
Even though I know we are so lucky, I can't help but feel robbed of the chance of doing it all again. My body is weak as well as our finances, so another baby would be a struggle and we have such a lovely family unit, it doesn't need to change.
I almost feel like I'm mourning for a baby that never even existed. After Soph I just always imagined having one more, so to have a full stop put there without really wanting it doesn't feel good.
I know deep down that we are good as we are and we shouldn't have another baby for a million reasons, but in my heart of hearts I can't help but want that baby and I think it's going to take a while for those feelings to change. I also know if we did, that we'd never regret having one so that's a battle in my head too.
Possibly, when Soph is settled in school and I get stuck into work again, the next chapter will unfold and feel full, not lacking in anything or feeling like I'm missing something.
I guess this time has to come regardless of how many kids you have, there always has to be that last one, those last newborn cries and growing bumps. I wonder if I'd ever feel ready to wave of goodbye or if it's just how some of us feel? Whatever it is I hope this feeling fades some day as it's really hard.
Where are you in your parenting journey?