Saturday, June 16, 2018

Mama Life || Mum Guilt, School Starts & Tears!

The reality of Soph starting school and both kids being there full time is truly kicking in this month and I feel quite frankly, shit.

My mind likes to torture me as much as possible, so I'm feeling every ounce of mum guilt ten fold. I feel like I've taken so much for granted and can't help feel guilty about every second I've moaned about needing space, toileting in peace or having to put up with another boring playgroup.

I've absolutely loved being a stay at home mum and it absolutely breaks me that it's almost done.

Soph is so ready for school, she's going to love it and in honestly I don't have the energy and imagination currently to really engage her or keep her entertained at home, which I feel yet again terrible about.

I'm terrified of being alone, feeling alone and being stuck with my own mind and an empty house. I know that I'll get more time, the house will be cleaner and I can work more, but I also know I'll give anything to have those early days back or small cuddles on tap when I'm sat alone, in the silence.

It's funny how much we crave quiet, a little peace, a little space, a little less chaos, but the thought of all that noisy stressful living in a dump time coming to an end is destroying me right now and I've had lots of tears about it.

I don't know what the answer is, I know it'll feel OK when it happens and I'll manage, I know this is about them, not me, but I'm terrified of the loneliness and the silence that I once craved. 

The only thing making me feel slightly better is that I've been here before and coped. Alf starting nursery and reception were really really hard for me, but yet again with Soph going it isn't any easier, I thought it would be but it's not. I coped then though and I will cope again.

Soph is always needing me, cuddling me, sitting on me, demanding things of me and as hard as it is to make the most of it all on hard day's, I'm so going to miss them both so so so much.

As ill sit in the quiet,finally tidy house with only myself and the pets for company, I'll look back on all our memories fondly, I just hope the feeling of loss and not being needed won't be too much to handle. Right now I'm not too sure and honestly it's a worry. I'm keeping my worries from the kids obviously, Soph is really excited about school so I fain my excitement for her so she doesn't dread it too. Hit me with your advice and experience if you've been through this already!

Do you have any kids starting school this year?