March was a bad, bad month. I'll start by saying I probably haven't lost anything and I haven't even weighed in. The reason for this is that after such a hard month emotionally and physically I really don't need the added stress of knowing that the numbers have rapidly gone up on the scale. You're probably thinking this is a bad move, but quite honestly with the way I've felt the last few weeks I genuinely don't need any more negativity in my life and I know it won't be pretty!
I am going to brave the scales, but in kindness to myself I am going to give myself a break now I'm feeling better, a few better days and stand on the block of doom when I feel I can cope with it.
So why was March so completely rubbish? Well in all honesty I've been a mess in every possible way. Work wise, my blog has some technical issues which although initially I was pretty positive about, I am now at my wits end. I can't do the work I want to be doing, I'm not earning what I need to be earning (cue HUGE guilt trip for letting my family down) and I just feel so thick and useless that I don't know what to do to fix it. It's looking like the error may not be with me, but I'm waiting to hear back from sites and providers that should be able to fix it. I hate waiting and so far its been two months of stress.
Health wise, my mental health has slammed down to a place I haven't been for a long time. I opted for some medication after advice from the nurse, which would apparently help ease my depression around my period time. Instead though I have been super low, lower than I've been in years and so so full of anxiety, which in turn makes me have much more physical pain.
With the changes in medication, bloating adding nearly a stone in just a few days (really!) and lots of extra tension, my muscles have been tight and achy, leading to slight muscle spasms in my back. The more pain I'm in, the worse my mood, so it's all a very vicious circle and it's been really really tough trying to stay on top and not let it all pull me under.
I'd love this post to be about success, but I have to be honest here and at a guess I'd say I easily feel bigger than I was at the start of the year and it feels really rubbish seeing my body change back to a shape that puts added tension on my joints and makes my clothes a little less flattering - joy.
The sliver lining...
Now I've got the honest, shitty bit out of the way, I can share the positives as there always has to be a little silver lining, even if it's really hard to find at times.
The good thing right now is that I've been less scared to take an evening off and embrace in a little more self care. I've been really strong and I'm proud of the fact that although there has been tears, I haven't let it win and I have stayed on top, working on new ideas and constantly looking for ways to fix the issues.
I'm also getting fully motivated to get on the healthy wagon again. I feel awful right now, it's not about whatever the scales has in store, but just the bloated, wobbly feeling I have at the moment. I feel like I can't breathe as well and my energy is at zero. I fully intend to switch things around now for April. I turn 34 years old this month and I really want it to be the month I get my shizzle together and start working on my health and happiness. We're off on holiday later this week and I can't wait to reset myself.
I've loved working on my Etsy shop this month and one of my latest prints (below) shows how I'm feeling now I'm over the side of the bump in the road. Having somewhere to embrace my creative side has really helped me stay on track.
I'm all for smashing the hell out of April, who's with me?
