November 29, 2015

Guilt Trips, Sunshine & Roses

If there is one thing that I have really struggled with as a mother, it's guilt. The Mum guilt is something I have seen others go through too, it is not at all fun and can really eat away at you. I know I really have nothing to feel guilty about, I'm a great mother (toot toot on my own trumpet) and I have literally done the best I can, even if at times that hasn't maybe been enough in my eyes.

I have two beautiful amazing inquisitive bright happy children and I guess I have to maybe allow that to be a reflection of my hard work over the past four years, but it's hard. It's extremely hard to tell yourself you are a good mother and shake off those niggling and constant worries. Am I good enough to deserve these amazing little people? Have I done enough? Should I have planned more? Should we have saved more? Should I stay home and bring them up? Should I work every hour of the day and night to give them amazing things? So many choices, so many great things to happen and mistakes to be learnt from. Sometimes being an adult, a parent is bloody hard work. Sometimes it's bloody amazing.

The Mum guilt comes in many forms and for many different things, but it is always there, lurking in the background like a rabid dog ready to bring you down to it's level.

I feel guilty for living where we live. On the one hand it's a good thing to grow up in such a diverse area and not think the world is all sunshine and roses. But on the other hand why should they see some of the things they see and do they really need to know that it's not all sunshine and roses? Plenty of time for that surely. I want to protect them from everything. I can't. Either way - it's one never ending guilt trip. It feels so stupid feeling guilty all the time, it has to end.

I feel guilty for generally being pretty crap at the whole mum lark. I'm always late, I'm never prepared, I'm slow to react ('is that your baby climbing up that wall?') and when every kid in your sons class gets a sticker for reading week apart from him, all because you forgot to give the letter in to say we have read with him, well let me tell you, that just feels really and truly shitty. We read to him every night before bed, he loves books, he deserved that sticker. Guilt trip a plenty.

I feel guilty for wanting a day off. I am with the kids all day, I work part time and the constant cleaning, rushing, tidying-the-same-stuff over and over and constantly being in demand is draining. Every parent knows that. I love being with my kids (well that's obvious) but one day, just one day or maybe a few hours to get my hair done, have a panic free wee or a shopping trip that doesn't make me want to break things from stress - that would be pretty special. Despite the fact I know this is totally normal, the guilt of actually doing and thinking this prevents it from happening. I am so lucky to be everything I am and have everything I have, I shouldn't want time out - should I? Cue the guilt trip.

I'd love to know how other parents feel. Are you always feeling guilty for every silly thing in the world? I feel guilty for not knowing the answers to things, not having enough money, not being healthy enough, not being fun and happy all the time. I feel guilty about literally everything and to top it off - I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Why do I waste time and energy worrying about this stuff? What will be will be, I do the best I can (I think!) and most the things I feel guilty about are totally and utterly beyond my control.

We need to axe the Mum guilt and look at the pros instead of focusing on those pesky cons. If I can change it, I will. If I can prevent it, I will. If not, I need to not feel guilty and simply carry on trying to make everything amazing for my babies. This guilt can do one quite frankly.

The stupid thing is that I am 99% sure that my kids will look back on their silly Mummy. The one that danced with them in the kitchen, the one that ran through the park laughing with them in the morning. The one that drew funny pictures and always took them to fun places, all be it a bit later than they should have been. I like to think they won't remember the silly Mummy that always felt guilty, always forgot to wash the school uniforms and sometimes cried at the craziness of it all.

Bye bye Mum guilt, it's been emotional. It is all sunshine and roses after all, we just have to make it that way.


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