I've just dropped my biggest baby off at nursery for a full school day. He is in his little uniform, in his new little shoes and his bag and lunch box he excitedly chose on our shopping trip. He has his little rain coat on and a huge grin from ear to ear. He will be going two and a half days a week. He has been to nursery before for three mornings a week, but this is so hard, I feel sick to my stomach, I have done nothing but sob since I got home with his little sister - who is thankfully napping.
I constantly battle with needless guilt and today is hard as hell. I am a great Mum, I do everything I can to make their lives as happy and fun as possible, yet I am sat here with my mind racing, torturing myself for every time I have raised my voice when he has been naughty, every time he asked me to read a book and I said not now, every time he begged to go to the park and I was too tired or I have asked him to be quiet because I have a head ache. The house is deathly silent apart from the dog snoring, the mess he made yesterday and this morning still lays around and I can barely see through the fog of tears. I have no idea why today is so hard for me or how I am ever going to cope next year when he starts proper school. I miss my baby, I feel guilty for nothing in particular and I just want to go cuddle him and not let go. They don't know him or love him like I do, this feels like hell.
He was so happy this morning, loved his uniform, loved putting on his little shoes and packing his bag and he walked happily with his friends through the park and met his friend at the gates where they hung off it looking tiny, pointing out all the things they could play with while they waited for teacher to come and open up. He will love it I'm sure.
Today is hard for me. He looked so small. I hope this gets easier!
Thanks for reading,