May 13, 2016

Until then...

Me & my boy

Warning - this is one of those dreaded Mum guilt posts...

This week has been hard. I love my babies so much, but the last few days they've been completely wild and I've had moments of feeling completely unloved and useless and I have to admit a tear or two has been shed about the rate at which my little Alf is growing. He will be five in no time at all, going off to proper school and it's all really hard to get to grips with. I feel like I'm being robbed of one of my most precious things in the world and I am holding on to the last 'baby traits' while I can.

Since day one, I've never been afraid to hold my little baby boy - a lot. I ignored the people telling me I'd spoil him with cuddles, smother him in my sling or that I should just leave him to cry - my tiny gorgeous little baby. I never understood that and I never will.

Those little moments...

Every time I can, I hold his little hand and my lap is always there for him when he needs a squidgy seat, even now he's getting bigger and I can't quite see over his head.

At nearly five years old, I still love his cuddles in the night, the occasional bed share or giggly chat in the dark. I love remembering the silly things we've done and the days we've shared that nobody knows about, just me and him on our happy adventures.

I wish I'd kept every little flower he's given me, but I'll never forget his sweet little face handing me them on our walks. From now though I'll keep them in case it's the last one he gives me, at some point he will decide it's no longer 'cool', though I hope that's not the case.

I can just about carry him still and he still jumps into my arms more than he probably should with my bad back, but I will carry on for as long as I physically can carry him. As long as I can lift him I will pick him up for a cuddle or bring him up for a squeeze when he's sad.

One day I know that the time will come that he will be too heavy for me to carry or too embarrassed for me to do it, so until then I will make the most of all these little things as I know that some day soon, he won't pick me a flower on our walks or sneak in my bed at night because he's cold or afraid.

I feel like the worst person in the world thinking about those nights where I've ushered him back to bed, or asked him to not sit on my lap so I could have a little space or sleep. I know one day I'd do anything for these moments so until then, I'm not taking them for granted any more.

It makes me sad that one day this will all be gone as he gets bigger, but I'm so lucky and happy to have had this amazing time with him so far and he has such a bright amazing future ahead that I will enjoy watching for the rest of my days. I really bloody love this boy.


  1. Just wrote a post, very similar to this.
    Mum guilt is very common :/

    First of all, just wanted to say;
    The people who say you shouldn't smother your children with love and affection are idiots. My MIL told me I spoil my children by kissing and cuddling them too much, and I got really mad at her!! What a load of rubbish!

    After reading more of this post, I feel really emotional!
    I know exactly what you mean. I'm going to miss those days so much, so thanking for reminding me to treasure those little moments every single day.

    I need to go cuddle my babies!!
    Sarah xxx

  2. Oh my goodness I have a lump in my throat. I need to take this on board. We are all guilty of it and it's nice to have little reminders like this. They grow up so fast!! #FriYAY